Men want a leader, not a love object.

Every so often I post on a book that changed my life more significantly than any in the last ten years. Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow.
I get reminded by a thread here and there discussing the contents of the book. The quote above "men want a leader, not a love object" is from David Murrow, the author.

I have been serving in a church of some kind or another, in leadership for about 20 years. I never could figure out why I was getting so frustrated and why certain decisions a church would make would basically take it from thriving to dead in a short time. All the light bulbs came on when I read this. If you are a Christian man and a churchman and are frustrated with your church not reaching the husbands, fathers and sons in your neighborhood you must read this book. If you are a man going through the motions of going to church because it's the right thing to do, but there's no excitement there, you must read this book.

ChurchMarketingSucks blog, has a great thread going on this subject.

Bottom line: if you want a healthy church for the long term, attract men. This was Jesus' strategy. It still works today. In my book, I offer more than 60 pages of proven principles for creating a man-friendly church.

Here are seven of them:

Principle one: Cultivate a healthy masculine spirit in your church. A man must sense, from the moment he walks in, that church is not just for Grandma, it's something for him. It can't feel like a ladies' club. The quilted banners, fresh flowers, and boxes of Kleenex in our sanctuaries make a statement. So do practices such as holding hands with your neighbor, "prayer and share" times, or highly emotional displays. Our goal is not to get men to cry; it's to get them walking with God, however that may look.

Principle two: Make men feel needed and wanted. Encourage men to use their gifts, even if they don't fit traditional models of Christian service. Encourage them to serve the poor by working on cars or fixing up houses. Let men plan adventures and do "guy things" together.

Principle three: Present Christ's masculine side. Pastors often focus on Jesus' tenderness and empathy. This is a good thing, but presenting soft Jesus week after week runs the risk of turning men off. What man wants to follow Mr. Rogers? Even more bewildering are today's praise songs – many of which feature lovey-dovey lyrics set to a romantic tune. Guys may feel unnatural singing romantic words to another man. Men want a leader, not a love object.

Principle four: Avoid feminine terminology. Christian men use terms such as precious, share, and relationship -- words you'd never hear on the lips of a typical man. We talk a lot about the saved and the lost; men don't want to be either. And here's a term that puzzles a lot of guys: a personal relationship with Jesus. Christ's bold, masculine command, "Follow Me!" is now, "Have a relationship with Me." We've recast Jesus' offer in feminine terms.

Principle five: Preach shorter sermons. I know pastors will hate this principle, but men say that "long, boring sermons" are the #1 reason they avoid church. Thanks to TV, today's men have an attention span of six to eight minutes (the length between commercials). Why not use this to your advantage? Break your sermon into six- to eight-minute segments with a song, drama, video clip, or object lesson in between. Remember, Jesus' most beloved lessons were his parables, none of which takes more than two minutes to teach. His parables survive today because men remembered them.

Principle six: Become students of men. Although most pastors are male, few truly understand men. Women keep the ministry machine going, so pastors focus on keeping females happy and volunteering. This must change. I challenge every pastor in America to study men. A good place to start: read John Eldredge's bestseller, Wild at Heart.

Principle seven: Create a culture of person-to-person challenge. In many a church, the pastor challenges from the pulpit, but the people don't challenge each other. Person-to-person discipleship, in small teams, is the only way to bring men to maturity in Christ. Where do you start? Choose a handful of men and personally disciple them, with the understanding that each man will recruit his own small group after one year. Continue to disciple these men as they become disciplers of others. This is the model Jesus left us, and it is awakening men in churches across the nation.

Dream for a moment. Imagine your church filled with men who are coming alive in Christ. Men there not just to please their wives, fulfill religious tradition, or go on a power trip, but men laying their lives down for God. Imagine what your congregation could accomplish for the kingdom!

The church was like this once; it can be so again. If this article has stirred something in your heart, please join me in calling our churches back to men. For more information, visit my website, www.churchformen.com.